Age and Weight

    Age....Yesterday my three year old grandson asked me how old I am. I told him to guess. He responded, "Four!" I told him to guess higher....to which he responded, "Five!"

    I said, "How did you know?"

    I think I am going to have him guess my weight when I see him again!

Dog Crap in Car

My grandsons love our trips to McDonald's.  I was recently heading to there with two chatty little boys in the back seat.  They love their Happy Meals and aren't even a little concerned about the nutritional detriments.  Their biggest concern is that they don’t get another crummy Happy Meal toy!  After eating we head back to the car as they clutch some plastic creature toy in their little hands…..with chocolate smeared on their faces.  As I buckle up, I suddenly smell poop.  Now they are way beyond the accident stage, so I get out and lean into the back seat to see if can determine the source of the odor.  There it is…..dog crap all over a little scuffed up Nike tennis shoe AND now smeared all over the back of the driver’s seat!  I figure I now have e-coli in my car, but maybe this is a sign from God that I should get a new car.  Since I can’t afford a new car, I quickly ruled that out.  We rode home with the windows down (which they loved….me…not so much).  The smell is gone but there will forever be a brown stain that I could not completely get off the back of the seat!   At this stage in my life, I can smile at the brown dog crap stain, and fondly remember a trip to McDonald’s with my grandsons.   

Skinny Jeans

     My girls told me that my jeans are too baggy, and that I needed to try “skinny jeans”.  Now I have worn everything from bell bottoms, acid wash, boot cut, slightly below the waist, and yes, mom jeans (but not low rise)!  Anyway, I agreed to go shopping yesterday for a pair.  I tried on countless pairs and modestly modeled them for my daughter, Jenny, who either nodded in approval or frowned disapprovingly.  I felt slightly hookerish (spell check does not like that word, but, I do) in some!  I just knew Stacy and Clinton, from “What Not to Wear”, were going to burst into the dressing room scowling and holding a trashcan!

Cooking Cookies and a Lizard

     I am a horrible Nana...I had my three grandsons over the other day, and decided we would bake cookies. I was loving it....baking cookies now means each kid pulls off a hunk of dough and places it on the pan (no kitchen covered in flour).

       All of a sudden, they realized I was also baking a lizard. They were fascinated! It was like a scene right out of Saturday Night Live.  Fortunately, the cookies were to be placed in a cold over, so before it got too hot, I was able to shoo him out of the oven.  

Throwing up in the Classroom UGH

     Classroom Rule Number One - Me: "If you ever feel like you are going to throw up, you do not have to ask to go to the restroom. You have my permission to fly out the door."  I even point out the trashcan by the door just in case they feel they can't make it that far.  

    Oh the joys of teaching......a kid barfed all over the floor in class the other day. I must say the other students handled it in a very mature fashion......they acted like a space ship had landed in the middle of the room and a green eyed alien was taking us all hostage. I am sure many of them went home and scrubbed down with 

     I thought vomiting was more of an elementary school problem.  Praise the Lord for janitors and that white magical powder they carry around with them. Soon things were back to normal; however, I am sort of wanted to go home and scrub down with Purell!

School Field Trip (insert Jaws sound track here)

     We had a school field trip today.  I had a list and I checked it twice.  I counted 25 kids in my classroom, and I counted 25 kids on the bus…taking pride in my organization.  I counted again when we got off the bus.  Now I have heard war stories about teachers losing a kid, but all of a sudden I had 26 kids (I will refer to the extra kid as “A”).   I did not care who was sleeping, but I did care who was bad or good, and I especially cared that I suddenly had one extra kid that I did not recognize….”A”.  At this point I was wishing I was home doing those five loads of laundry.  I am trying to smile sweetly at “A” so he does not freak out, but thinking I would rather be rubbing my eyeballs with sandpaper.  Now, for those of you that don’t know, field trips, are like herding cats!  It took about an hour, but I finally got “A” with the right group.  Whew, I am now home with a fire going, and my feet propped up.    

Ventriloquist

     I recently brought my dummy, Barkley, to school to entertain my students. One boy said, "Ms. Wise, is it OK if I video this with my phone?" I told him that was fine, and instantly I had 21 cell phones video taping Barkley and I. I told them it better not end up on You Tube.... they assured me it wouldn't (yeah right).