Zac Brown Band Humor

The Birds and the Bees

        Puberty, pimples, periods, armpit hair, etc.   Walking into the classroom Friday, a student flung her arms around me and started crying; or at least I thought she was crying.  Concerned, I asked, “What on earth is wrong?”  At this point she looked up, smiling, and bellowed, “We are learning about the birds and the bees in science, and it is soooooo scary!”  I strived to look just as disgusted as she did!  A teacher wears many hats!

Telling your Children about the Birds and the Bees

Guess what day Christmas is on this year?

What Not to Wear

     Well, I finally get to mark something off my bucket list; not because it actually came about, but because it is no longer a possibility!  “What Not to Wear”…….yep, I always wanted to be on this television show. Unfortunately, it has been cancelled.  

     I actually tried to convince a friend of mine to recommend me for the show.   I envisioned myself putting on my worst outfit or pajamas and heading to Wal-Mart for my photo op.  I even pondered dressing like Honey Boo Boo’s mom or a slightly hookerish look.  Walking into Wal-Mart, my girlfriend, Beverly, would have been filming me (wink wink) in my horrible outfit.  I would have even been willing to don a pair of “mom jeans” with a fanny pack if I thought it would have helped me make the show.

     When I asked Beverly if she would recommend me for the show and tell the produces that she was fed up with my style, or lack thereof, her response was, “Noooooooooooooo, because I want to go on that show too!”    Now if you open up your dictionary and look up “stylish” or “rocking that outfit”, I bet you will find a picture of Beverly.    I guess Stacy and Clinton will not be popping out of a crowd any time soon to offer me my trip to NY with the $5,000 gift card! 

Mama’s don’t let your babies grow up to be teachers!

I now have 132 editorials to grade and 132 expository essays to grade. 

I feel a new song coming on…..

♫”Mama’s don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys teachers!♪ 

♫ Don't let 'em grade papers for just a few bucks, ♪
♫Let 'em be doctors & lawyers & such,..." ♪

Happy Birthday

     Happy Birthday to my wonderful son, Buck. On the left, he is all smiles as he prepares to open his gifts. On the right, his big sister, Jenny, has now claimed his new toy. The doll is a Mattel Musical Love Notes - Bucky the Cowboy…..now a vintage toy. He plays harmonica sounds when you press his legs, arms and belly. Looking a little worn and tattered, Bucky, now sits proudly on display in my guest room. Unfortunately, Bucky is only worth about $16.00 now……not nearly enough to think about early retirement. 

     I cherish the years that brought us where we are today, but wish I had not counted the days to so many milestones like no more diapers, no more carrying 50 pounds of baby equipment to the car, no more car seats, or no more toys scattered all over the den. Now I think, “If I could just reach into this picture and hold these babies one more time!” 

Braces and Retainers

            My daughter’s orthodontic journey began in elementary school when our dentist fit her tiny mouth with a Frankel contraception (a wire device).  When she came walking out of his office, trying to smile at me, I knew we were in trouble.  Sounding much like a middle school cheerleader, I exclaimed,  “Awwwwww…..how exciting!”  I am actually wondering how he managed to get a football helmet inside her little mouth. 

            On the ride home, I noticed that when she attempted to talk, she sounded like she suddenly had a speech impediment or was maybe even speaking a foreign language (I was hoping it was the latter). Glancing over at her, I now realize she not only has a speech problem, she is also a drooler!  Yep, my adorable daughter was now slobbering! 

            The worst part of this memorable experience was that this contraception had to come out when she ate….not an easy task.   I’ll never forget the day that we had to drive over an hour out of our way to go…..back to a McDonald’s on the interstate where we had eaten lunch.   Fortunately, her dad was willing to dig through garbage bags and was able to find the slimy thing.  I am not sure I would have won any mother of the year awards that day. 

            Eventually  the dentist realized that her cheeks looked like a greedy squirrel that had stored enough nuts away to last for the next ten years.  She was refitted with something a little more stylish appropriate for her mouth.

Footnote:  The following Sunday we had photographers at church because it was “Old Fashion Sunday”…..and wouldn’t you know, it was her picture that was chosen to go in the local newspaper. 

Footnote:  The short haircut is another story….a bad perm had to be cut off  (which I am now blamed for even though she begged for it).