Thursday, September 26, 2013

Teachers and Bathroom Woes


 I have not ever written a song, but if I did I would dedicate it to teachers…..teachers who don’t get to use the restroom when Mother Nature calls.  It would be sung to the tune of Folsom Prison Blues, and it would go something like this…….

      “I hear the pipes a clangin’, Clangin’ down the hall, And I ain't seen the bathroom since I don’t know when.....I’m stuck in the classroom, and time keeps draggin’ on, but the pipes keep a clangin’ on down the hall.  When I hear those pipes a clangin’, I hang my head and cry; I bet there’s deans and children sitting in a stall, they've probably been drinkin’ coffee and sippin’ on some tea."
      OK….I better stop before I get myself in trouble!  Now I just need to decide which country artist should sing it for teachers everywhere!  

Saturday, September 21, 2013

My Printer Hates Me

      My printer hates me!  This past week I suddenly got a beep from the office intercom.  The school secretary comes on and says, “Ms. Wise, we just received a phone call from a school in another state, and they are complaining because you are printing to their computer!”  Did you pick up on the words, “ANOTHER STATE”?    She went on to explain that it is a color printer so they are really frustrated!  Of course, I am thinking, “Color, wow, I wonder if they would mind mailing it to me!”
This just boggles my mind because I would not know how to print to a computer in our neighboring town, Mulberry, much less a computer in another state.  Usually I just hit print and it magically appears at my desk.
      Of course, now I am afraid that every time I print, I am wasting some schools precious colored ink, and another negative phone call is forthcoming.  I figure I have probably made it to some FBI watch list at this point.  So now, with a sigh, I prayerfully push print, and hope it comes out at my desk and not three states away.  I might just start putting another teacher’s name on everything I print just in case the school gets any more complaints about my printing (I can always white the name out later).  Needless to say, I have a rocky relationship with my computer. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Seven Reasons Why You Are Fat

     Brenda, 7 Reasons Why You Are Fat!  This is what I saw when I checked my inbox this morning; it is from AARP.   I could not help but smile as I read the article to see the 7 reasons why I am fat.  They are as follows:  1. You don't plan at the buffet. 2. You're not sleeping enough. 3. You need to relax more. 4. You're surrounded by excess. 5. You're eating addictive food. 6. You drink soda through a straw. 7. Your tiny breakfast, big dinner.
    My first thought was buffet…..Brenda does not do buffets.  I am not sure why they did not include…..exercise. I definitely felt the article was weak, but what amazed me was the response from the AARP subscribers…….offended!  Personally, I thought the title was good marketing; it enticed me to read it; however, what really caught my attention was the ad in the margins……”A DDiscount For AARP members. Just show your valid AARP membership card when you purchase any Large or Extra Large beverage and get a FREE Donut!”  

Thursday, September 12, 2013

School Picture Day

      Since I am a teacher, I have a stack of school pictures from years gone by! I have seen my daughters flip these photos and howl with laughter at the different hairdos, outfits, and smiles. I have to admit, a few of them should have had a “warning” label on them. Each year I meticulously place my feet on the tape on the floor, tilt my head slightly, look into the camera, and smile. Why, I even put on extra blush before I head in the auditorium so that I don’t look too pale. Yes, I probably look a little hookerish walking down the hall with the extra blush slathered on my face. BUT, let me tell you what I did this year… teachers friends are going to be soooooo jealous! The photographer called me up to the camera to see if I liked my picture. Smiling sweetly, I said, “Is there any way you can back the camera up and take it again?” Now I never dreamed the camera could actually be backed up. The photographer replied, “Sure!” So, the camera was backed up (woot woot). Who knows, I might actually like my picture this year! I am wondering, however, if my picture will look like a faraway dot compared to the other teachers’ pictures in the yearbook! One can hope!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

That Time of Month

Girls and their periods! If I were writing a top ten comments list, this comment would definitely make the list. A female student approached me as she entered class today and said, “I just want to let you know that I might be grouchy for the next three days because I started my period!” Not really knowing how to respond, I replied, “Congratulations!” That was obviously not the right response because she then blurted out, “Congratulations! This is horrible!” In hind sight I realize that was a ridiculous response from me. This new event in her life was not shared with a quiet whisper but with boldness. Standing behind her was another female student who is not quite as….shall we say…..developed. She looked like I had just told her aliens would be taking over the school today! As the potential grouchy girl headed to her seat, I debated moving the boy she sits beside to the other side of the classroom just in case she decided to lash out at him during her “three day grouchy spell.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Awkward Moments

     Have you ever walked in on someone in the restroom?   If I made a list of awkward moments, walking in on someone in the restroom would definitely be on my list.  I must confess, I seem to have a knack for doing this.  Sunday I attempted to stroll into the restroom at Marshall’s…..if you have ever used this particular restroom, you are aware that the door swings open automatically once you start opening it….and it is hard to close again; therefore, it is not like I could quickly shut the door.  Holding her dress up and walking sort of like….hmmmmm…..a crab, this lady scurries to the door and says, “I’m not done!”  Obviously she thinks I am intentionally keeping the door open. Unfortunately for her, the main door to this little area was propped open, so people entering or exiting the store were able to watch this play out.
   Finally I get the door closed again only to look up at the exit area to see a lady obviously howling with laughter (a friend of hers).  I just smiled and shrugged.  Secretly I was hoping the “crab walker” would not try to kick my a@# when she came out.  

Friday, September 6, 2013

How Many Frogs Must You Kiss to Find Your Prince (or Princess) Charming?

        Yesterday when I sat down at my desk at school, I discovered a frog.  Unfortunately, he was all sprawled out…..dead!  I gingerly took 500 paper towels and carried him to the trash can before the kids came in and discovered him!  I smiled as I thought about fairy tales that imply we are all princesses waiting for our prince to come and save us so we can live happily ever after.  Wouldn't you know mine would be dead……

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Grading Papers

OODLES of writing papers to grade!  Ugh. It's kinda like laundry - it just never ends! How does a new or veteran teacher handle the hours of grading that can amount to a second full-time job?  Now that I think of it, I think I need a skinny cow to go with my grading.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Cake Diaster

I am no Martha Stewart!   Last Thursday I decided to bake a retirement cake for a good friend of mine at school, Eunice.  Actually her name is Beverly, but I gave her the retirement name of Eunice.  Now this cake was no ordinary box cake.   The ingredients called for chocolate chips, sour cream, powered sugar, salt free butter (not sure why)…..etc.  MMMMMM…..the house smelled so good while it was baking; however, I knew I was in trouble when I tried to get it out of the pans.

“Don’t panic!” I thought; after all, I know how to fix a broken cake.  There is always a solution, right?  I knew I needed to focus on what I could do before racing out to the store for a last minute substitute.  At 10:00 PM I was online reading things like….How to Fix a Shrunken Cake, Repair a Cake that Looks Like Crap, Manage your Temper when the Cake Sticks to the Pan, and How to Add Rum to a Cake.  I was leaning towards the last one, but I  figured I would not be able to take it to school.

In the end, I did the best I could trying to mend it with the icing.  Did I mention the icing was made from scratch too?  As I headed to bed, I said a quick prayer over my cake!  Standing in front of the refrigerator the next morning, rubbing my eyes, I could not believe what I saw.  My made from scratch cake looked like a boys soccer team had played a game on it!  Yep… was really bad.  I thought, “I can still take it to school and just pretend it was intentional!”  In the end, I made that last minute race to the store for a store bought cake!  It was a big hit!